Daily 43

Ah, today. I went to work-work, which is great because I have a training seminar coming up this weekend and it’s going to eat into my highest earning day. Bummer. I enjoy my work-work; it just isn’t something that is going to be reliable income as I get older and, of course, there isn’t much room for growth unless I want to become some kind of Boss Lady. Which I definitely do not.
Unfortunately, my lifelong dream has been to have a farm. Or, technically, a homestead. I say unfortunately because I realized that I don’t want to be a farmer businesswoman. No, no. My idea of a homestead is more along the lines of some landed, accomplished lady of the past, with money to pay (well) for the more difficult labor and just be an artistic hermit. The eccentric artistic farm lady.
That kind of dream? Yeah. That requires a fortune to create. Like, an actual fortune. Of money.
Of course, I could always marry for money.
You can’t hear me cackling from where you are but, I assure you, my neighbors are terrified.
I wouldn’t marry for money or for love at this point, to be honest. I’m comfortable being on my own; finding my own voice and figuring out what I want. And, I want my own money. Earned by my own hands … or, at least, won via a lottery ticket purchased with money earned by my own hands. 😉

I was able to invest some time into my side-hustle today. The gnawing guilt of failure to meet my expectations has subsided, and I was able to make a bit more progress … and SMILE while I did it. That’s huge for me.
I also managed to hit the pharmacy today and pick up my meds so, presumably, I’ll be back to feeling like my medicated self in no time. Does it bother me to need meds right now? A little bit. Am I ready to wean off of them? Nope, not even a little bit. This political economic pandemic dumpster fire situation definitely worsened my anxiety to a point where I couldn’t handle it on my own any more. So, I’m not going to force myself to. If/when I get a better handle on the things I can control such that the things I can’t control aren’t dictating my day-to-day situation and inducing panic attacks, then I’ll consider going back to just therapy sans meds. Until then, I’m doing the best I can from where I am.

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